As a babysitter, sometimes you’ll tell children NOT to do something, and they’ll do it anyway. Sometimes you’ll tell children to do something, and they won’t do it.
Sometimes you’ll hear someone knocking at the front door who turns out to be the two-year-old who only moments ago was safely in the back yard, or so you thought, and then he will point to his four-year-old brother who has climbed the neighbor’s tree and won’t come down.
Sometimes it will get real quiet and you can’t find the children because they’ve hidden somewhere in the house – or at least you hope they’re still in the house – and you want to strangle the person who said babysitting was easy money.
These experiences (and others like them) made me want to do one of two things: either have nothing more to do with little kids – EVER, or, figure them out. I chose to figure them out. And I’m glad I did.
In this post I’m going to teach you what I learned, something that will change the way you discipline children forever – and make your life a whole lot easier.
Why Children Misbehave
If you know why children misbehave, then it’s easier to know what to do about it.
Children are always looking for ways to feel good. It’s wired into their brains. They can’t help it. It’s what they were born to do. It’s one thing you can always count on. Knowing that can be very helpful.
Let’s start with babies. What makes babies feel good? How about a diaper change, a bottle when they’re hungry, getting a burp out, or receiving attention from other people? The only way they know how to tell you they want to feel better is by crying. Soon they learn that crying leads to feeling good.
How about toddlers? What makes toddlers feel good? Some of the things are food, candy, attention from others, watching TV, and to feel a sense of power and control. Sometimes they learn they can get those rewards by hitting, teasing, throwing tantrums, whining, arguing, getting into mischief, and ignoring you. We call that “misbehavior”. They call it “how to get what makes me feel good”.
Same with older children – always looking for ways that lead to feeling good. So here is why children misbehave:
Children misbehave because it results in them feeling good
Children learn that when they hit or tease, it gives them a sense of power and control over another child, and gets your attention. (Even though it’s angry attention, it’s better than no attention). They learn that when they throw a tantrum, they get the candy; when they whine, they get out of having to go to bed; when they ignore you, they get out of having to clean up their mess. And that feels good.
But wait a minute. What about well-behaved children? What makes them want to behave? What makes them choose to be nice, or do what you ask them? What makes them different from misbehaved children?
Children are well-behaved because their behavior results in a good feeling. YES, that’s right. Well behaved children behave for the same reason that misbehaved children misbehave – because the result is a good feeling.
Isn’t that interesting? Children practice good behavior if that’s what leads to feeling good. They practice bad behavior if that’s what leads to feeling good. When you stop to think about it, it makes sense – the goal of children is to find out what makes them feel good and keep doing it, and find out what doesn’t make them feel good and stop doing it.
Kids are Little Scientists
Kids a are like little scientists, always experimenting. Next time you go babysitting, look at the children and say to yourself, “I know something about you little scientists – always experimenting, looking for ways to feel good. If you find something that works, you continue to do it. If you find something that doesn’t work, you avoid doing it. Well, I’m on to you. I know how you think, and I know how to use that to get what I want.”
Question: Now that we know why some kids behave while others misbehave (because it leads to a good feeling in both cases) what can we do to make kids want to behave and stop misbehaving?
This discussion is continued in my eBook in the chapter called “Why Children Misbehave”.
Hi I am a teenage babysitter i watch my little sister and next door neighbor during the summer they are 10 and 11. They both enjoy disrespecting me thats the thing that makes them feel good. I was just wondering how i am supposed to discipline two very discrespectful girls of that age?
Maddison,
I’m so glad you raised that question. What are your options? I can see three right away.
One, you could do nothing, and let things continue as they are.
Two, you could stop babysitting for that family. That would solve the problem of having to babysit 2 obnoxious girls. You would lose a customer. Depending on your work load and other considerations that may or may not be a good choice.
Number three option is you could try to improve your relationship with the two girls whose purpose in life is to make you miserable. A smart business person knows how important it is to build good relationships and knows how to build those relationships. So how do you do that? Wait, I know. You could read my eBook. The first part shows how to build relationships. The second part shows how to inspire good behavior.
Well, good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Kayanne
How can I punish the two kids I’m babysitting, age 4 and 7. They like to hit and punch each other. And I send them to there rooms, yet afterwards, they are still hitting each other.
Now days kids have toys, TVs, internet, ect. all in their rooms… so sending them there is like letting them go play by their selves like they usually would (almost like an award for bad behavior), and if they share a room, and you put both kids in the same room, they might start fighting over a toy, and it’ll get even worse than before!
Since you’re babysitting, you can’t actually “punish” a child like you might with your own, because if the children are tattle-tales (like most are), they might tattle on you, and even make up horrible things, like smacking or even worse! The best thing to do is designate a naughty corner… a very boring place for a child, and it gives the child time to think about what they did, and they might even come to say sorry! When using a naughty corner, you NEED to put them there for an entire minute, even if they say sorry! If you put them in the naughty corner, and they say sorry, then you let them play without even giving them the minute… they’ll learn that sorry is the magic word that gets me out of trouble, so they wont be sorry, they’ll just say it so they can play. If a child says they’re sorry, say “I forgive you” and/or “thank you, for saying sorry” and make them stay there for a minute. This teaches them that you forgive them and are now happy with them, but with bad behavior comes consequence without laying a harmful finger to them. You may have to put the child in the corner multiple times, and every time he/she moves you put him/her back and restart the minute. Also, tell the parents that he/she acted out and that you put him/her in time out, and she/he said sorry. when the child says he/she is sorry, say that you’re happy with them, this acts as attention and teaches the child that you like it when they behave! One last thing, stay in the room when the child is on time out.
Good luck! Hope this helps!
This information does not give very much information but I understand kids now, I think this is why I used to misbehave.
the boy i watch says he doesnt like me and tells me to go home when he gets in trouble. so i give him timouts and tell him to
be quiet during them or the time is extended. he also tries to be bad and is a really frusterating to watch. any tips to help me watch him easier? i mostly do timeuts to punish him and it doesntnt
work very well please HELP!!!!!!!!
Read my book – I show how to handle misbehavior and how to inspire good behavior.