As a babysitter, sometimes you’ll tell children NOT to do something, and they’ll do it anyway. Sometimes you’ll tell children to do something, and they won’t do it.
Sometimes you’ll hear someone knocking at the front door who turns out to be the two-year-old who only moments ago was safely in the back yard, or so you thought, and then he will point to his four-year-old brother who has climbed the neighbor’s tree and won’t come down.
Sometimes it will get real quiet and you can’t find the children because they’ve hidden somewhere in the house – or at least you hope they’re still in the house – and you want to strangle the person who said babysitting was easy money.
These experiences (and others like them) made me want to do one of two things: either have nothing more to do with little kids – EVER, or, figure them out. I chose to figure them out. And I’m glad I did.
In this post I’m going to teach you what I learned, something that will change the way you discipline children forever – and make your life a whole lot easier.
Why Children Misbehave
If you know why children misbehave, then it’s easier to know what to do about it.
Children are always looking for ways to feel good. It’s wired into their brains. They can’t help it. It’s what they were born to do. It’s one thing you can always count on. Knowing that can be very helpful.
Let’s start with babies. What makes babies feel good? How about a diaper change, a bottle when they’re hungry, getting a burp out, or receiving attention from other people? The only way they know how to tell you they want to feel better is by crying. Soon they learn that crying leads to feeling good.
How about toddlers? What makes toddlers feel good? Some of the things are food, candy, attention from others, watching TV, and to feel a sense of power and control. Sometimes they learn they can get those rewards by hitting, teasing, throwing tantrums, whining, arguing, getting into mischief, and ignoring you. We call that “misbehavior”. They call it “how to get what makes me feel good”.
Same with older children – always looking for ways that lead to feeling good. So here is why children misbehave:
Children misbehave because it results in them feeling good
Children learn that when they hit or tease, it gives them a sense of power and control over another child, and gets your attention. (Even though it’s angry attention, it’s better than no attention). They learn that when they throw a tantrum, they get the candy; when they whine, they get out of having to go to bed; when they ignore you, they get out of having to clean up their mess. And that feels good.
But wait a minute. What about well-behaved children? What makes them want to behave? What makes them choose to be nice, or do what you ask them? What makes them different from misbehaved children?
Children are well-behaved because their behavior results in a good feeling. YES, that’s right. Well behaved children behave for the same reason that misbehaved children misbehave – because the result is a good feeling.
Isn’t that interesting? Children practice good behavior if that’s what leads to feeling good. They practice bad behavior if that’s what leads to feeling good. When you stop to think about it, it makes sense – the goal of children is to find out what makes them feel good and keep doing it, and find out what doesn’t make them feel good and stop doing it.
Kids are Little Scientists
Kids a are like little scientists, always experimenting. Next time you go babysitting, look at the children and say to yourself, “I know something about you little scientists – always experimenting, looking for ways to feel good. If you find something that works, you continue to do it. If you find something that doesn’t work, you avoid doing it. Well, I’m on to you. I know how you think, and I know how to use that to get what I want.”
Question: Now that we know why some kids behave while others misbehave (because it leads to a good feeling in both cases) what can we do to make kids want to behave and stop misbehaving?
This discussion is continued in my eBook in the chapter called “Why Children Misbehave”.
Hi I am a teenage babysitter i watch my little sister and next door neighbor during the summer they are 10 and 11. They both enjoy disrespecting me thats the thing that makes them feel good. I was just wondering how i am supposed to discipline two very discrespectful girls of that age?
Maddison,
I’m so glad you raised that question. What are your options? I can see three right away.
One, you could do nothing, and let things continue as they are.
Two, you could stop babysitting for that family. That would solve the problem of having to babysit 2 obnoxious girls. You would lose a customer. Depending on your work load and other considerations that may or may not be a good choice.
Number three option is you could try to improve your relationship with the two girls whose purpose in life is to make you miserable. A smart business person knows how important it is to build good relationships and knows how to build those relationships. So how do you do that? Wait, I know. You could read my eBook. The first part shows how to build relationships. The second part shows how to inspire good behavior.
Well, good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Kayanne
How can I punish the two kids I’m babysitting, age 4 and 7. They like to hit and punch each other. And I send them to there rooms, yet afterwards, they are still hitting each other.
Now days kids have toys, TVs, internet, ect. all in their rooms… so sending them there is like letting them go play by their selves like they usually would (almost like an award for bad behavior), and if they share a room, and you put both kids in the same room, they might start fighting over a toy, and it’ll get even worse than before!
Since you’re babysitting, you can’t actually “punish” a child like you might with your own, because if the children are tattle-tales (like most are), they might tattle on you, and even make up horrible things, like smacking or even worse! The best thing to do is designate a naughty corner… a very boring place for a child, and it gives the child time to think about what they did, and they might even come to say sorry! When using a naughty corner, you NEED to put them there for an entire minute, even if they say sorry! If you put them in the naughty corner, and they say sorry, then you let them play without even giving them the minute… they’ll learn that sorry is the magic word that gets me out of trouble, so they wont be sorry, they’ll just say it so they can play. If a child says they’re sorry, say “I forgive you” and/or “thank you, for saying sorry” and make them stay there for a minute. This teaches them that you forgive them and are now happy with them, but with bad behavior comes consequence without laying a harmful finger to them. You may have to put the child in the corner multiple times, and every time he/she moves you put him/her back and restart the minute. Also, tell the parents that he/she acted out and that you put him/her in time out, and she/he said sorry. when the child says he/she is sorry, say that you’re happy with them, this acts as attention and teaches the child that you like it when they behave! One last thing, stay in the room when the child is on time out.
Good luck! Hope this helps!
This information does not give very much information but I understand kids now, I think this is why I used to misbehave.
the boy i watch says he doesnt like me and tells me to go home when he gets in trouble. so i give him timouts and tell him to
be quiet during them or the time is extended. he also tries to be bad and is a really frusterating to watch. any tips to help me watch him easier? i mostly do timeuts to punish him and it doesntnt
work very well please HELP!!!!!!!!
Read my book – I show how to handle misbehavior and how to inspire good behavior.
I have been trying to figure out any effective punishment that will work for a ADHD child that I have been babysitting for months now. Might I add, he has not been placed on any medications for the disorder. His parents take away his electronic and games but we don’t have that here. He constantly lies and is physically mean to the other children. Time out is not effective because he will not stay still or quiet. I have tried exercise as a form of punishment (squats, etc) which happens to be more of a hassle when he can’t do them correctly to be effective. Sending him to the playroom to play by himself hasn’t worked, he just begins to break toys or becomes destructive in different ways (resulting in lying when there is no one else to blame for what happened). I have been trying to do research on this and I am constantly running into a brick wall. I can’t see ignoring the behavior being effective when other children will see him not being punished for doing things wrong and thinking they are able to do the same. Warning him of what will happen if he continues the undesired behavior hasn’t been effective, it seems he forgets that he has been warned. We have attempted to put him on a schedule, coloring, games, outside play, TV time, etc, but he will lose focus and become bored of the activity and then begin acting out. Taking away these activities would be throwing him off the schedule we are trying to keep him on. I have become frustrated enough that I have began yelling which is know is ineffective and wrong. I am so at my wits end and don’t know what more to do. Any suggestions are much welcome
Well you have to start when he is being good, tire him out with a fun activity like jumping on the trampoline or swimming or a game of tag, so when he is bad, he will make less of an effort to fight you, if it’s hot go outside because the heat will make him tired quickly, overall you have to have more energy than him, and I time outs don’t work, make him take a nap or stand in the corner, bond with him at much as you can because when he has an attachment to you, your words will go deeper, I hope this helps you out
i babysit a 6 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. they are siblings. that little boy HATES me!He never ever listens! he never goes to bed and then cries if i tell him to go back into
his room. the three year old on the other hand is a sweetie! she loves to be babied and i always carry her around. the boy says i favor her! Then hen i try to give the little boy hugs and just try to be altogether nice to him he pushes me away and kicks me! what do i do?
they say we don’t pick favorites
i understand. what you need to do is play games or do activites with BOTH kids. Find something the boy likes (ex: ball games) and do it often, like going outside and talk/play it. You will form a better bond so he won’t fight so hard. BTW—mention this little dilemma with the parents! He may have something else going on in his life effecting this. best of luck!! <3
Ok this is my first time to babysit and the child will not do what i say and every time i tell her to read her ar book but she wont i have spanked her and put her in the corner but she still wont listen and i know yall are probably thinking did there parents give u permition to spank them yes IM GOING TO PULL ALL MY HAIR OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the reason for that is she is testing you on the first day dont let her fool you and think she is the boss. hope this help:)
Today I took a 5 and 7 year old to the movies. At the self serve candy bar the 5 year old saw the containers of sweets and immediately grabbed some, thinking they were free. As soon as I told him to stop, the 7 year old grabbed some too. At this point, we were scolded by staff and I was extremely embarrassed. I now don’t want to babysit them any more, for fear of them misbehaving like this again! How do I discipline these children without any physical punishment (which they are used to from their parents).
act gentle. kneel down to their level and talk softly and seriously to them. tell them what they did and why it was wrong. hve them tell their side of the story. connecting and listening to their part will help.
I’m starting a nanny/babysitting job. I’m thirteen and will be watching a stubborn two year old and her easy going baby brother. I was wondering what I should do if they feel uncomfortable being home with me without their mom because they have never had a babysitter before. What do if they cry and wont let me comfort them?
distract them with games, candy, movies, ect. If that doesn’t work, try to hold them while they cry until their finished or until they become interested in something else, if they wont let you comfort them, just let them cry, at those ages they have a short attention span and will quickly find something else to do
OK so i babysit 5 kids at once 1 boy and 4 girls the boy is the oldest and he is 10 and the girls are 7,5, and 3 the 3 year olds are twins and all the kids fight the 5 year old is the worst!! and they don’t listen at all i had thought about not babysitting them any more but i love them all and just can’t do that to the mom because she raises them by her self and my mom and her are friends and so i don’t get paid but i don’t care i just don’t know what to do if you will HELP me out i would love it thanks!!!
This information is really good for me because i love to have and take good care of children’s so Thanks a lot for this unique concept have a goo day.
I babysit for my sister sometimes. She as two most of the time sweet girls who are 6 and 4. I am a young teen trying to get a good start at babysitting. I have a huge problem with getting them to nap. If it were up to me I would have them just take some quiet time. Whenever I babysit them they will chat in bed and fool around. I try my best to get them to take me seriously when I say mommy will NOT be happy, and neither will I, but they don’t seem to believe me until I have to tell her. I can’t really discipline them because I only watch them for a short time. I have tried putting them in seperate rooms but nothing seems to work! Please tell me how to fix this!
Hey I’m baby siting 3 kids, and I cant find your book on my Kindle Fire, I was wondering how I could punish them. I tryed to get close to them, but they just keep getting into trouble. Do you have any advise?
I babysit 5 kids all the time. a 9 year old boy, a 7 year old girl, a 4 year old boy, a 1.5 year old boy and a 3 month old baby boy. when the 9 and 7 old want to go to the park, the 4 year old wants to play legos and the babies are too hard to take care of at the park so I can never take them! I dont think its a good idea to let a 9 and 7 year old go to the park alone because its 3/4 of a mile away! i cant lift the 1.5 year old because he wants his mom even when i dont have the 3 month old, so i can never take the older ones to the park! HELP!!!!!
i am 16 i babysit my 7yr old nephew and when ever i say no to him he hits and kicks me. But i tell my sister and she tells me” i should walk away” but it never works so i stay and hold him down then he starts to cry then i have to let him go or he wont stop crying. So what i do instead of that?
hello, my name is bryce, im 13 yrs old.
i babysit a 4 1/2 yr old and a 7 year old. they are both boys, and brothers.
the eldest likes to boss the youngest around. and i dont tolerate it.
they both whine a lot!
im currently teaching them to use manners, like for instants, i MAKE them chew with their mouths closed, if they dont i give them a pinch or a spankin
also they must say excuse me or please and thank you if they dont they get either a timeout , a spanking or a pinch. i feel bad for spanking them so what should i do? because when i pinch them the youngest cries! and it hurts me a lot! also i make them close the door when using the potty, if they dont i spank them once.
another one of my rules is they MUST never go outside without shoes one! when they dont listen to that rule i usually tell them verbally but theyre taking advantage of this and i need something to work better! i love these kids and they always tell me that they love me but i want our relationship stronger please help me!